Grief and Healing
Three years have passed by since that day that left an indelible mark on my life. I look back and acknowledge that I have come a long way since the day he died Mariana. Many people tell me that admires how strong I am, which I have not collapsed. I think “have not seen me at my worst, but I recognize that I have fought fiercely to try not only to survive but to live. The truth is that he had many more options. What else could I do but fight? … Sure, I could have chosen me break down with sadness, bitterness, lie down to die. But I have another son who deserves to live and be happy. I can not imagine people who have no one for whom to live.
I think that over time, as I have developed a different perspective on the death of Mariana, but deep sadness and pain are always there, its intensity and duration have been somewhat alleviated. Or possibly it increased my ability to tolerate pain. Mariana was not present when he fell from the balcony, but the images flit through my mind and many times at night I wake up because in my dream I fall into the void. Sometimes he looks at me, smiles and says, “Look, Mommy, I can fly.”
Mariana’s memories are a mixture of pain and tenderness. It was long before he managed to string together memories of entire events. Perhaps that is why memories appear as flashes of light. Appear and are so intense that no strength left me, wrapped in a very deep sadness. Sometimes achievement smile when I think of some amusing episode in his life. It is still a shy smile, warm. My laughter is no longer out of my stomach, like before.
Small events can wake up my pain with overwhelming force. If I see a picture he had never seen, I hear a song from their favorite band, I find some of her friends, listen to your recorded voice, immediately feel the pain as sharp as I felt the day he died. Those are my worst days. No fight. Let me wrap pain, because only by recognizing it, I am accepting that I’m alive.
It was not easy to remain a family. It was long before we could sit three to eat. See the empty chair once occupied Mariana was too painful. It was not easy to leave all three on vacation to where we were before the four. Each activity we undertake is incomplete. It is always the question: What would have been if Mariana was still here?
Fled with family celebrations. Where are all my family members gathered, the absence of Mariana makes me much more intolerable. See their premiums rise, studying, living happily her teenage years, see them become young adults, is a knife that sticks in my chest.
One of the things I’ve learned is to be more understanding and sensitive to other people’s pain. If I see someone who treats me surly roughly, once I think maybe that person is also suffering as I was by the death of a child or other loved one. I know there are many people who have gone through experiences similar or more devastating than mine . My suffering is small compared to the vast universe of pain.
Little by little I have been reconciled and reconnecting with life. Gradually I came back to laugh, to work, to relate to some people. I have stopped interacting with others. Represent the difference between “before and after” … and that hurts. I have learned to protect myself from situations or people who hurt me, disturb me, consuming my energy. Little by little I have been building a new life with new additions, try new activities to know what I feel comfortable. It is a process of trial and error. Rather than disciplinary reasons. This search led me back to college, I led the school to volunteer. I needed to know if it was something that needed to connect with children as a teacher or counselor. I could not. Maybe in five years or 10 … perhaps more than ever. I enjoy helping others, but need not be in a classroom or in an office. Looking for a mission in my life. I feel it is important to me to have a goal, something worth getting up in the morning. I know that something needs to be related to Mariana
. She guides me in this quest. Need to learn to quiet my mind to hear his voice. It’s just a matter of time. I have patience. Be patient.
The most important thing for me has been finding ways to honor and keep alive the memory of Mariana. Since I can not give anything else in this life, try to find simple rituals that can help you in your new lifestyle and I am reassured. I light candles on the 3rd of each month on their birthday and any other day when I have the need to do or when I feel that Mariana is calling me. The candle flame represents for me the spirit of Mariana and I think that wherever you are, Mariana sees the light of the candle and do not feel alone. Carlos and Mauricio planted roses in our garden to decorate your photos. We have created a Web page for the whole world may know our daughter.
I try to do activities that I know she wanted to do. Mariana dreamed to see the snow and often talked about how it feels when the snow falls on our face, playing in the snow and winter sports. When we moved to Colorado I decided to learn to ski and the first time I dared to slip one by one track, I cried because she was not there sliding down those tracks white and soft as cotton, yet smiled because I was sure Mariana’s spirit was there with me, also enjoying the snow.
My relationship with Mariana and not physical. It is spiritual. I think and feel that as I grow more spiritually, it’ll be closer. I like to think that Mary Ann and I continue to grow, each in its reality, each in its own way and that my relationship with it is evolving, reaching different shades and much deeper.
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